remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
