I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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