If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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