every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
