i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
