Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
