So drunk its hurt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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