To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
