when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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