Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
