I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
