I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
false alarm. still invincible.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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