I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
