So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
