He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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