i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
