she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
