I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize