in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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