ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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