im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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