I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
