just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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