Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
