After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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