i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
