were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
