i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
