seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
