I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
