I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
