i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
