Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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