Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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