So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
