Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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