some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
