i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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