The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
