shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
