i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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