hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
