there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
