I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
