Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
