he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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