i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
