I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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