Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I am morally bankrupt
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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