It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
