I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
