so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
