Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
