I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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