woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
