if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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