Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
