I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
