Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
