when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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