Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
