we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
