So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
