I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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