If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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